Just flow on!

If you dont have own siblings then dont cry for the love. Better be alone. I think the love is only there for own siblings. A sibling who does a lot of issues is still more lovable than one who loves a lot but does not blood-relate.

Life is such juncture that I am clueless and helpless. Why am I lost? I want to do something good so that people are happy about it. But God created such scenario that people just got chance to push it harder and load with the social pressure. Why God? What crime did I do?

I wanted to spread happiness. I wanted to be the saviour not the one who can be pointed. Anyway what else can I do? God why did you do this? I have hit a situation where anyone can respond anything on me. I feel like being silent now. Can I make Shashi's life better by giving her the life back? How can I do that? I want to die God.. Please help me.... But I have so many responsibilities.

What is a family?

How tough a life is in India for a single girl. I can feel it right now in my life. I understand every bit of it now. One female has to go through lotssa struggle in this bullshit societies of India, specially northern part of India. I can sense it when I am alive. I had no interest in life till this moment. But I am getting a feel her life would be more measurable without me than with me. I need to live for her and the upcoming life.

For whatever happened, I know if I am not there then no one would be with her. She needs moral support and guys stop complaining her. She has given everything for her family. She did not enjoy even a day after marriage, she was always with Papa. Papa is so special to her that at times she ignored me. I dont mind for it as after all its her father. I know she was a bit selfish, may be for a moment, when it came to me and life. But she never wanted to hurt anyone, she waited for all these years with a lot of pain in her heart. I remember the days when she used to cry to settle things around. She in fact many a times called Avi crying for the situation. But would then sooth down worrying about Sudha and Sandhya. Who else better know or remember the situation then me. She loved me but she loved more her Papa. She wanted to leave things and go to her Papa, she did not do this to save me and she did not want to leave me. After all love is important than anything else in this world. This bullshit UP society does not have any place for good hearts. So ruthless and rude it is. It just knows to be happy with few stubborn moron believes and useless customs. Where people are more worried about the society than the own family members.

Her intentions were never wrong or improper. She was always behind me to take care of her lil sisters. Always worried and bothered for them she could not take her own life seriously ever. Anything she tried just failed, her luck was not with her. Even sticking to me had a reason behind, she thought we together will always take care of her family. Even when struggling for own life settlement, she was worried about her sister's training. And that is what always inspired me. She did her job but people are not understanding her. She needs my moral support now. I have to live for that. She needs some luck for sometime. Hey God please help her now. I know one needs to put his effort to get some results but it is also said that you need some luck to overcome hurdles.

Health is something which is not in anyone's control. But strangely everyone puts some excuse and tends to forget own part of it. You can not really put it on anyone. This is not really fair and unacceptable.

Hey God I and her need some luck in this cruel world. We have seen enough in this small life. We need you... Apart from responsibilities everything else we have tried (at least) to fulfil. Why God is not there with the good people. I am in sad thoughts. There was a time last few years I had lost all anger but its all coming in now. There is no space for anger but I do not know from where it is coming in.

I am not getting any kind of support. What you need is some moral support. Sadly I dont have a sibling. I loved her siblings a lot and may be more than Santu at times. Only because the fear was there, what would happen to them in case Papa takes any negative step. She was always worried for her sisters and loved them till bottom of her heart. She wanted Sudha in best place and she wanted Sandhya to become an engineer. She was always behind me to be in touch with Sandhya till she gets a job. I have not seen anyone caring for own sisters like this. I think they are just hating her for no reasons. It was destiny.... If that is the reason why did Sandhya come first time for her trainings? I think things are just getting messed up here.

Her bro is a bro? After requesting so many times also he just called Papa and exaggerated the situation. He could have handled the situation. There is unity in the family. When it comes to issues and problems there is blame game for sure. Blaming each other for no reason. Rather the whole family should be united and should handle the situation. She did every possible thing which a daughter should do. She did not run away. She spoke to her mother. Even her mother suggested once to get registered. May be her mom also thought I am the right guy for her. Then why this hypocrisy? When Sandhya was not supposed to come, she said let her go and it is OK.

Everyone is so angry in nature that I am getting suffocated. My anger is an emotional anger. But these guys shout and try to get away from any hurdle in life. I have always learnt to handle situations in life together.

When she came first time for training, Di was all good. She was there for her to follow. Now what went wrong to hate her so much? She is that dedicated that she was ready to drop her first kid to take care of Papa. Guys understand her pain.

I have broken all the rules for betterment of the family. But feels bad to hear that this not own place and this is outsider place.

Feels bad that she is not keeping well, but Sandy...
 

Alone!

Life is a bunch of hurdles, like humps in a road: If a good suspension is there with the vehicle then the humps can be cleared with no real big pain. But imagine how tough-ride it becomes when suspension does not go well with the vehicle. Either the vehicle or the suspension got some issues, but sufferers are both. Humps take the advantage of it and try to over smart both the vehicle and suspension.

Suppose the suspension does not work properly because the oil to do its functionality is out of stock: The suspension knows about it and so do the vehicle. The issue here is the suspension is in a notion that the vehicle does not know about it and assumes that the vehicle is trying to be harsh on it. Whereas vehicle very well knows about it. The vehicle just needs the faith and trust of the suspension. The brake system and the overall aerodynamics of the vehicle tries to compensate for the oil loss in the suspension. Definitely the joy of ride (life) is not as good as it used to be. But still the vehicle does not give up, it tries to cover up and make it somewhat reasonable a ride. But the suspension assumes that the vehicle is giving pain by allowing the rider to ride. The rider knows the overall situation and urges both vehicle and suspension to be patient and face the humps (hurdles of life).

Vehicle puts a brake and tries to sooth the suspension. In fact the brake is applied by the rider and not by the vehicle itself. But still suspension does know that there is a rider who is controlling the ride and not the vehicle. Suspension is in deep mental pain and cribs for the situation. Suspension is in real sort of oil. But the trauma is not due to vehicle, its just the rider sometimes delays in filling the oil (joy of life). What is the solution here?:- Shall the suspension continue cribbing about the situation and continue the assumption that the vehicle is not coping up? Suspension does not know that the vehicle is the one who is putting all pressure on its old bully 2-piston system. Vehicle is in real need of support. One side is the suspension, who is not keen to listen to it, and other side is its heart (2-piston engine), which is not able to bear the pull.

Hello suspension! Please take a break and understand the pain the vehicle is going through. Vehicle is trying to help you by sharing and taking some pain to its 2-piston system. The ride can still be decent if both shake their hands and understand the dynamics of ride (life). After all the rider wants the overall result and does not see things singularly.

Suspension thinks oil is its mate and the pain can be reduced only with the oil it lost. Oil has cheated whereas, it has vanished out of suspension's body. Vehicle knows about it and is trying to make the suspension feel good about the ride by saying "we both can make it". But the suspension is stubborn and assumes that the vehicle is trying to get rid of it.

The point here is vehicle also needs some support. But suspension is not understanding it and is in pain of oil loss. Vehicle all alone is fighting it out and trying to convince the suspension that it is also helpless, it needs support from the suspension as the ride will still go on as the rider is in command and not the vehicle. Sometimes the vehicle has the responsibility to bear the weight of rider and the pillion. The back suspension is full of energy and with full oil to have all joy ride. The front suspension, who is in sort of oil, is fooled by back suspension. Back suspension tells the front suspension that the killer is the vehicle. The front suspension is just ignorant of the point that the pain is more with vehicle. When vehicle tried to make the suspension understand that he has been trying to help, the suspension got pissed of and argued saying you are just a vehicle and not the God.

Same is the story of mine!

Shashi (suspension) and I (vehicle) were happily moving gracefully in life (ride). There comes the twist and we face a tough situation. Did the vehicle (me) invite it? Who does not want a smooth ride after all? But both were making it by helping and understanding each other. Slowly the oil completely vanished, we faced more challenges I mean. But the ride also needs to continue, right? Because the rider here is the almighty.

Shashi does not understand me. I have become alone. I have supported her in every part of the life. I know I am a very responsible person at least, if not a great person. Yes I am a normal person and not a God. Normal persons get tough situations but God does not. Till now whatever I have done is all with good intensions to help the situation. Pain here is everyone understands me except you shashu.

You think I am worried about money? I was never and will never be.

You think I am tired of the situation? No!! I am tired of loneliness. There is typical bonding between a husband and wife. The bonding is trust and affection. Affection is there, you are worried if I have eaten food or not. You are worried about health. But what about my mental strength? As you say, I am a human and not a God, right? Then I also need some mental support.

You very well know that I have always tried to take care of everyone: Sudha, Sandhya, Papa and Mama. I dont know then why do you think that whatever I suggest, is not to help anyone?

Even if you would not have asked, I would have done everything for mama and papa. Calling mama to stay here is again a step to help her and help you. I am bit surprised to know that you think some ill is there in my mind. I am surprised!!! Everyone is glued to only one sentence "Papa thik hote to yeh sab dekhna nahin padta". Everyone!!! Tell me, papa needs us or we need papa.  I too sometimes feel it but I get along and try to do what is supposed to be done. Its very simple, yaar. If I called mama then its to help you so that you will get some breathing space, you can do some partial job also (only if you wish). What extra benefit I have if mama comes? I think about you, but you are not understanding it. Rather you say I have lost patience and I am tired. Think over it with cool mind.

Babloo: He is like this since childhood right? Then why are we talking about him and why are we getting hyper? We should find solution right? Prevention is better than facing the situation.

One point: What about my parents? No one is perfect in this world. Issues are with Dad and so do others. Did I ever stop talking to anyone? I have complained so many times about Sandhya, mama and others. Its the same, they are not perfect. But there is a relation between me and sandhya, me and mama. And I admire the relations, I try to keep it good. You have completely left everything to me saying tum apna dekho aur apne maa, baapko sambhalo. As a wife I need your support right? It takes a minute to share love. A call, once in a while, may be a month will do. Just to make them feel that you love them.

I am sad that after supporting till this extent also you have so much of negative feelings for me. I feel helpless and lonely!!

Blame Game!

They say an individual is responsible for his/her own health. In Indian complex societies the definition completely alters. Strange!

Its a body BTW. Its not made of steel and aluminium to give the life-age generally a concrete building has.

I never understood the accuses thrown into us, on Papa's health. It heard so strange, that no one knew what medicines he took ever. It was a blunder that no one knew that he had an ICD implanted in his body. Wait a minute, ICD is implanted only when your heart is extremely weak. Its not a pace maker. A bypass body which kept on taking all possible junk stuffs into the body. Could it have taken more? It was my bad luck that the stuff happened at wrong time.

A decent human would never want to hurt anyone. That was the reason always wanted to meet him and convince him. After all, never wanted to run away.

The body was not at all ready to take it anymore. But he kept pushing it... no care of the law God. Even God might be crazy to see this...

There should be some human ethics and should evaluate with the right points. You cannot blame others for no reason. And its an insane excuse to say it is out of frustration. Not at all acceptable...

These days people get chronic deceases for slightest of negligence. But here there was nothing other than negligence. Its not a blame-back game I am bringing in. I know it happens with many older generation who did not care for health. Yeah agree and understand. But a blame on other is a real black hole.


I die everyday.. every moment... all the times..... I wanted to spread love and be the one whom everyone from her side would love. Never ever dreamt to create any such ... Well, what can one do, than sulking inside.

Without Janu!!!

Night 12:45 - 6th May 2011 - I miss you Janu. 3 long months, is it? It was very short and short indeed. 3 months just went beyond TIME's pace. Never missed you so much even when you used to go back to Delhi after tiny trips to Bangalore. You are in Marathalli, but I feel like far apart from you. But matter of few hours or a day. Will meet you soon :-)

But I value your love towards your family too. I am from a closely bound family too. Understand your feelings. You know you looked awesome with your mom n sisters. Enjoy the little time with them. Give loads of love to Sudha and Sandhya.

Not sure when you gonna read this!!!

Nomadic Trip To shivanSamudran!!!

14 th august 2009... with the Audi (alias Maruti 800)....
With Guruji....

crushes that crosses~ !!

Let me divide my so far life to 3 phases to describe (rather disclose) about all my crushes..... :)
1st phase--
I was in my primary school days... sud nt mention those as crushes, dont know what shall I address those.

--I started my schooling in a village/small town called "Sonepur" in Orissa. Fresh air and fresh water of Mahanadi. That is really unforgetable and awesome. Specially all giant temples in the village. My family took a rented house near the bank of Mahanadi. The house owner's family were friendly and we were never tenants to them. Used to spend all my free time in their home. We had a common door in between, but that was never closed. They had three girls and a boy. The second daughter was my classmate. Say it was my first crush, I call it puppy love. lolzzzz She was dam cute, after all she was a marwari girl.

--It was my scholarship examination day in Bolangir,Orissa. I was with my dad waiting for the bell to ring. A sweet girl came to me and asked hey saggy, whats your hall number? I got a throbing on my head, a girl is talking to me and that to my dad was with me. I was trembling, I said mine is hall no. x. She was the prettiest girl in my school. Yes, we used to interact everyday in school but that day I was with my dad. It was later, me n dad became more closer and friendly . I got thru the scholarship along with that sweet little girl. We were two from my school. Then we started having brunch together and we used to walk home together. She was in the same "pada" that is the street where I used to put up. Guys, I am befuddled and not sure to tell whether it was puppy love or infatuation or something else. You people know the story of my mathe paper in std-2 right? So let me discuss about this further on my last phase. Don ask now, you will understand once I reveal.

Then as my dad got posted to IRE in Ganjam district. I joined a school near to our quarters. There I met a sweet girl, she was my dad's friend's daughter. I must say she was not my crush, but I loved sharing time wid her. We used to play games and lots of ground activities together. Dare you guys, she is married now with a 2 year old kid. he he....

2nd Phase--

Then comes the age of adolescence. More active but still immatured to decide stuffs. I joined a High school in Berhampur, Orissa. It was std-7 when a girl (forgot her name) joined our school. I was the school monitor and I completely took benefits from my rights from the authority. Never used to let her stand, she knew that and she used to talk to me (only me). See guys how we indians learn bribing and cheating from our early age, ha ha... Coincidentally she happened to be my dad's friend's daughter, "fortune favors the brave". Is nt it? But the story ended with a sad bookmark as they got transfered to BBSR. So bad to me :(

Then in std-8, this crush was for only short time may be for few months. Reason is very sad and funny, I got one more. ha ha ha ha.... Heard that she is working with a mnc in bangalore only. Shall I try my hands again? lolzzzzz...

It was my 10th board exam year. Me and my friend goutam accompanied each other to a dailly tution. It was fun, we two guys and 4 girls were there. Among those girls, one was there who used to be in my side whenever we argued regarding any matter say intracurricular or extracurricular. She was just a girl next door. Dono where she is these days. Mostly got married only.

Then in 12th I was unlucky as in my group no girls were there. But opportunities are always there, my tution. Had 2 crushes during those 2 yrs...

Engineering days, its bit more matured and more input :)
It was more hurting loosing chances, one girl whom i really liked was meant for somebody else. As its very specific, cannot discolse more about this story. ;)
Then old heroine and new entry, remember the girl scored more than me? She was doing her studies in the same city where I was doing my engineering. I just happened go to her and meet her sometime. This story took a reverse gear and I came to know that girl likes me like hell. I got flummoxed. I could not digest it. I was totally confused, I could not reply to her. But later one of my close friend made me to think on that. But by the time I was trying to think about her, she got engaged. Simply I was late. Then once I met her, she said now too you can do something. I got selfish as I never took her seriously and my mouth was in mute-on state. It was a tragic end to that story.

3rd phase

my job life started...
this time more sensational stories.. but guys u all have to talk to me offline. who knows what hard feelings one can take from this. he he he he he he...

P.S->
1)All my crushes were "dame" :)
2) Crushes crosses, don halt at their occurance. Go ahead till you get your rite partenr.
3)If you keep on searching for rite partner, once you will be rich with stupid feelings left with nothing. So "go get it" attitude has to be learnt.
Guys confused, even me. Still working to conquer on this.

Love u all,
saggy